12 25 02
by d - nise
Summary: LL: “What kind of a sick person would steal our turkey!” “Are you sure you even bought a turkey!” 11


12.25.02  
  
Denise.  
  
L/L Vignette. No kissage. Major shoutouts to myself.  
  
Unbetaed.  
  
Written in half an hour at 3 PM Christmas day while listening to Mariah Carey.  
  
"What kind of a sick person would steal our turkey?!" "Are you sure you even bought a turkey?!"  
  
I don't own anything.  
  
Merry Christmas. :)  
  
I didn't know what to say Merry Christmas, baby Jimmy Eat World "12.23.95"  
  
Lorelai Gilmore put down the Toblerone bar wrapping and rolled off of the couch, landing on a pile of chocolate wrappers.  
  
Rory walked in carrying a box of crackers and looked at her mother in disgust. "Mom. The point of a three kilogram Toblerone bar is to not eat it one sitting."  
  
"I wonder why people haven't discovered the therapeutic nature of chocolate. You see, I'm as good as drunk off my ass right now, and I didn't have to buy any of that vodka crap! And it was all courtesy of the fine folks at the Independence Inn!"  
  
"My virgin ears!"  
  
"Oh come on. I saw you watching the Arthur Christmas special this morning, and that aardvark can swear like a drunken sailor. Didn't you hear his strategic use of 'darn'?"  
  
"You need to get out of here."  
  
"Music to my ears . I think I'll go for a very very long walk."  
  
"And be back by five. We have to go to Harvard. Or I have to go to Harvard. You're not allowed to drive."  
  
"Your grandmother's going to ask why I didn't drive. She'll think I had gotten drunk by noon."  
  
"I'll just tell her that I feared for my safety due to toxic levels of sugar in your bloodstream."  
  
"Yeah, she'll just think I was drunk."  
  
"So ."  
  
"Well yeah, I do think that Ben should have chosen me over Jennifer. But that's a matter of principle, not fate."  
  
"I don't follow. You need to go."  
  
"Why do you want me to go so badly?"  
  
Rory looked up at the ceiling trying to think of something that wouldn't raise alarm bells, and prevent her mother's death at the hands of chocolate.  
  
"Jess is coming over."  
  
Way to not raise alarm bells.  
  
Lorelai narrowed her eyes. "Jess who?"  
  
"Jessica Biel."  
  
"That slut! Alright, alright. I get the message. I'm going. Scooting, scooting!" Lorelai stood up and walked towards the door grabbing her boots and jacket. "Make sure you wipe your lipstick off before you two get going. You got this monstrous stain on Jess's collar last week and it was all Luke would talk about."  
  
Rory just stared at her. "No."  
  
"Oh yes. Steer clear of Luke or buy sunglasses when he gets passionate. It's very bright up there."  
  
***  
  
Luke Danes turned off the TV resolutely and stood up, straightened his baseball cap and walked towards the kitchen. Not that the living room and kitchen weren't actually the same room. Such convenience. His mind was boggled.  
  
Also, his mind was a bit blurry. But he couldn't exactly figure out why. It wasn't like he had been drinking, and it wasn't very characteristic of him to be drinking and then forget that he was drinking. He concluded that he was not drunk, and continued to walk towards the fridge, and opened it up.  
  
And the turkey was gone.  
  
"Jess!" he called and made his way back towards Jess's bedroom. "Jess, where did you put the turkey?"  
  
Jess came out of the bathroom behind Luke and leaned against the doorframe. "It's under my bed."  
  
"What?? Why would you put a sixteen pound turkey under your bed? Jess, are you lying to me?"  
  
"Of course I'm lying. What kind of a sick person would steal a turkey out of our home sweet home?"  
  
"Well you're a sick person ."  
  
"Geez. Are you sure you even bought a turkey?"  
  
"Yes! I have the receipt and everything. I bought it last week, from Taylor. I almost but a Tofuturkey, but I figured that you weren't a fan."  
  
"Your Spidey Senses are Tingling."  
  
"Jess. Help me find the turkey."  
  
"Can we step back just for a second and think about how that sounds?"  
  
"I don't care how it sounds, we need to find the turkey!"  
  
Just then a knocking came at the door. "Oh Lukey! Your damsel has come to rescue you!"  
  
"Lorelai," Luke grumbled and went to the door. "Did you steal our turkey?"  
  
She gaped at him. "Are you accusing me of stealing a turkey? I don't think I could lift a turkey, let alone fit it in my purse and run down the stairs all while doing it with style and grace, and more importantly, not breaking a heel."  
  
"I'm sorry . it's just that our turkey has gone missing."  
  
"Oh . my God. Well. This is a problem that must be solved!"  
  
"It's not that I don't want your help, it's just that . don't you have other things to do on Christmas Day?"  
  
"Well, no, not really. Also, Jess Mariano, your presence is requested at the Gilmore Residence."  
  
"Jess was invited to go to dinner at your parents' house?? This day couldn't get any worse ."  
  
"Yeesh, no. Rory wants him to go over. They're exchanging gifts or something. That's why I'm here. She told me, not so subtly, might I add, to leave." "I'm sorry to hear that."  
  
"As am I. Now Jess, go go, your fair maiden quivers for you!"  
  
"I don't get it," Jess whispered to Luke.  
  
"Don't ask. Go."  
  
"Bye. Uh, Merry Christmas, Lorelai."  
  
"Merry Christmas, Jess."  
  
As the door closed behind him, Lorelai collapsed on Luke's couch. "So your turkey's gone missing."  
  
"It would appear so."  
  
"Luke. You have to promise not to get mad at me when I ask you this."  
  
He looked at her suspiciously. "When was the last time I got mad at you?"  
  
She raised her eyebrows skeptically and then sat upright. "Are you sure you bought a turkey?"  
  
"Yes! Why do people keep asking me that! It's not like I've developed a habit of naming poultry, or worse yet, thinking that I've named a turkey!"  
  
"Oh my God. You named the turkey."  
  
"I did not."  
  
"You did! Let me guess! Jessica!"  
  
"Turkeys are male."  
  
"Alright. Nicky!"  
  
"Stop! I should never have let you in!"  
  
"Who would have driven you to the institution then?"  
  
"I'd rather let Taylor drive me than you."  
  
"Oh snap."  
  
"Lorelai. Can we just look around for the turkey?"  
  
Lorelai stared at her hands, and contemplated his proposal.  
  
"No."  
  
"No? You come all this way, harass me, name the stupid turkey Nicky and now no?"  
  
"You're so cute when you're mad."  
  
"I'm not mad. I'm just visibly upset."  
  
Lorelai returned to checking out her nails.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
She looked up and grinned. "I brought your Christmas present."  
  
He was about to launch into another tirade about the inappropriateness of this, when finally he decided she was just being nice. It wasn't her fault the turkey was gone. "Thank you. That's very nice of you."  
  
"Yeah, just hold on like two seconds." Lorelai jumped up and ran out into the hallway and came in carrying a large turkey-shaped package.  
  
Luke blinked, sat down, and rested his head in his hands.  
  
"I can't believe you stole my turkey."  
  
He looked up. "Merry Christmas, Lorelai."  
  
She smiled and looked at her feet, contemplating wishing him a Kwazy Kwanzaa, but decided against it. "Merry Christmas, Luke." 


End file.
